...of spiders and being on a ladder and of giving birth naturally. When I was pregnant with Mumbles, I was focused on how I was going to raise her, rather than the how of her actually getting here. I took a one day crash course in labor and delivery and when the big day came, I did what I was told and I didn't ask any questions. They broke my water, gave me pitocin, gave me an epi, a little more pitocin, two pushes and viola, I had a baby. I also had a headache for days after delivery. I didn't know until recently that the headache was most likely caused by the epi. I thought it was the Tylenol 3 they gave me, so I stopped taking it. I also had no idea that I could've easily been on the snowballs path to an 'unnecesarean', which I absolutely don't ever want, ever. When I told my Mom Mumbles' birth story, she said she hadn't had an epi with any of us. Really? Not even with my sister and I who were both breach? Nope, and I could tell by the look on her face and the way she said it that I had missed something. I don't regret it. I had no idea what the hell I was doing. I needed the hospital staff to take charge and tell me what to do. I don't know that I would've made different choices had I known what I know now. Mumbles was 'sunnyside up' and I was having trouble relaxing between my contractions. Still, I wonder what might have been different about her birth story had I gone au naturale.
I have decided this time, knowing what I know now, that I want to try and have as natural a childbirth as I can. I'm still going to deliver in a hospital because I think that is where Micha and I will feel most comfortable. I am, however, terrified that its going to hurt like hell. Micha is scared too. I know lots of women who aren't much different than me have done it. I know they were all probably scared at some point too. Still I worry that if my labor is long, or if it hurts too much, I won't be able to push and things will go bad. I'm not unsually one who is so full of self-doubt, I mean I bet if I had to and I didn't think about for too long, I could jump out of a plane (not that I want to, I'm just saying), but this shit is scary!
Okay, so I know I'm a perfect stranger, and I'm sorry, but I just have such a hard time keeping my mouth shut! I can totally relate to you! My first was born in a hospital with an epidural. I tried to be educated about my options, etc and I wanted to give birth naturally, but I wasn't sure exactly why. I mean because it's best for baby, right? But I didn't know HOW it was best, I just knew that's what everyone said. Plus it was scary shit reading the risks of certain interventions and all that. It drove me crazy. I couldn't finish reading it. It scared me senseless. I had a vague feeling of foreboding about going to the hospital, but that's where babies are born, right? So I went. I had a pretty good experience. No major qualms about my hospital epidural birth. I just left me feeling... unsatisfied I guess. Like something was missing maybe, but I couldn't put my finger on it.
ReplyDeleteEnter pregnancy number two. I had just found out I was pregnant and my sister (gotta love sisters!) told me about this documentary that Ricky Lake had just made. Ricky Lake? Are you sure this is something I want to watch? Anyway it's called The Business of Being Born and I loved it! It's a lot about home birth, which is fine, you can disregard that. It's not always the best, and it's not for everyone. But it also talks about how important and wonderful it is to have a natural birth. I decided to have a home birth- something that took my husband a while to warm up to, but by the time I was ripe he was ready and happy about it and we had a great experience. Even if you skip the movie (you can watch it instantly on Netflix) I strongly recommend Ina May's Guide to Childbirth by Ina May Gaskin. It really taught me to view childbirth as a normal physiological process and that my body is not a lemon- it's made to do this! I even read it during labor for inspiration. Oh how I could go on about this subject... I'll spare you, but I will let you know that after experiencing the birth of my last child- if I get pregnant again I will be SO EXCITED about giving birth! So empowering.
Something I heard that is so appropriate for a comparison: Giving birth with an epidural is like watching a rabbit being pulled from a hat. But you're the hat. When you have a natural labor you're the magician.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for commenting! I think of my first delivery as the delivery I needed. This delivery will be the one that I want.
ReplyDeleteSomething else that gives me comfort; I've never heard any woman say 'I'll never do it that way again' with regard to a natural labor.