None of your business!

I overheard and interesting conversation while at work. Two older guys were talking about what a problem it was that one of their grandchildren was still sleeping in Mom and Dad's bed at 1 yr old. The other made the comment that it was a bad habit that children need to be "broken of." Whenever I hear someone talk about "breaking" a habit or behavior, I can't help but think back to watching the Cowboy "break" horses. It was almost invariably a brutal process. Is that really what we want to do to our kids? The conversation then turned to how when they were young boys, children shared a bedroom with their siblings. This got me to thinking, where did young children and infants sleep 'in the old days'? Wouldn't they have had to have slept with their Mother's before central air and heat, wet nurses, formulas and bottles? So how did we go from probably universally co-sleeping to the idea that co-sleeping is dangerous or at the very least a bad habit that needs to be 'broken'? And when did our bedrooms become everyone else's business?

As it turns out, co-sleeping was actually the norm, even in Western cultures, up to about 150 years ago. During the 1800's child-rearing experts started to emerge and thus business of telling women how to do what they had done for centuries before without the peanut gallery, began. These 'experts', who were for the most part men, emphasized self-reliance. Additionally, the germ theory further encouraged separate sleeping quarters for fear that a mother and child breathing the same air would make one another sick. Then, with the Industrial Revolution society began breaking out of the extended family model and even building homes with additional rooms for children to sleep. Without other family members on site to help with the household duties, the burden fell solely to the mother, requiring more of her time and energy. It was late in this century that the 'cot death' myth arose and further frightened mothers into believing that sharing the same bed or room was unsafe. (http://editor.nourishedmagazine.com.au/articles/the-cosiness-of-cosleeping)

When Mumbles was born, I had never heard the term 'co-sleeping'. She had her own bedroom with a crib where she slept when she was napping but at night she slept in bed with me. This facilitated nursing and I never worried about rolling over on her because, with only a couple hours between feedings, I never really fell into very deep sleep. When we stopped nursing and she started sleeping for longer periods of time (around 2 months old), we made the transition to her crib. With the exception of travel, she has never slept with me since. Now, obviously Mumbles is not every child. She never developed a fear of the dark, as some children do, and she mastered a couple self-soothing techniques very early on. I still smile when I remember her flipping the handle on her 'binkie' with one hand while rubbing the satin edging of her blanket in with the other. The decision to bed-share with Mumbles was not made based on extensive research or even because it's what my mother did (although I do remember the babies sleeping in bassinets in her room). It simply felt like the normal thing to do; and it is. Newborn human babies have the least developed brain and nervous system in the mammal world. In their first years of life they rely heavily on their caregiver for basic survival. Food, temperature regulation and even heart rate and breathing are influenced by whomever is providing care. (http://www.nd.edu/~jmckenn1/lab/articles/B.pdf)

For much of the rest of the world, co-sleeping is still the norm. There is a great deal of research indicating that it reduces the risk of SIDS. Obviously, every family is unique and co-sleeping is not for everyone. Often times we hear of an infant dying and the cause is reported to be co-sleeping. In fact, a more thorough look would reveal that there are other circumstances involved such as exposure to second-hand smoke, a chaotic home, or the over-laying parent consumed drugs or alcohol. There are other safety concerns too such as the type of bedding and the surface. Waterbeds and sofas, for example, may not be appropriate for co-sleeping. There's also a study that suggests that formula fed babies should not bed-share however; co-sleeping doesn't always mean sleeping in the same bed.

Micha is fearful of bed-sharing. He is a pretty big guy and he worries that he could role over and hurt the baby. If he isn't comfortable with it, then I see no reason to try and force the issue. His fears are not silly and dismissing them as such won't make him more comfortable with it. I thought about getting a side car or turning a crib into a side car but didn't have to. My Mom brought me a beautiful bassinet that will work perfectly. It's a pretty good size so the baby can sleep with us for quite some time. He'll eventually grow out of it but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. In the meantime, I'll look forward to napping with Charlie during the day. Who wouldn't want to drift off to that intoxicating newborn smell? Or nuzzle up to a cherub cheeked baby? Not to mention, isn't sleep the one thing everyone is always saying new parents will never have enough of again? So if co-sleeping works for a particular family, what does it matter to anyone else? I don't see any reason to torture children and parents alike, in order to 'break' them of this very healthy and natural pattern.