I can't wait for you to get here! I think about you all the time. I want to see you and hold you and smell you. I think you'll have blue eyes but I wonder what color your hair will be? Sometimes I imagine rocking you in your room or lying down with you to watch you sleep. You'll be long and thin, I'm sure, with long slender hands and fingers. Your Dad can teach you to play guitar or maybe we'll have piano lessons. Will some part of you remember the conversations we have during my daily commute? When we talk about 90's alternative rock and 'Axl Rose Syndrome' being the reason so many of my favorite bands have not enjoyed the lingering success of one of my all time favorite bands, Pearl Jam. Do you know that whenever I hear the song Just Breathe, I think about your Dad and how much I love him and that Amongst the Waves will always be your song?
It seems you move more than Mumbles did and with more force. She is my quiet and delicate girl. I suspect you'll be a perfect contrast to her. In fact, your beginning is already vastly different than hers. I feel as though I planned for you but Mumbles was planned for me. She changed my life and you are here because my life was changed. I hope you will grow up seeing just how truely amazing your big sister is. Your Dad is just as remarkable. He's smart and he works hard. I feel certain that you will always be able to look to him and see just what a father and partner should be. I know he worries about you all the time and is as anxious to hold you as I am. I wonder if you will remember a little game called 'Hey Baby' and how excited he gets when you 'do something cool'!
Of all the things that I think are the most important for you to know before you get here and throughout your life the most important is this: You have a big, crazy family who loves you and will always love you more than is even imaginable. Like my Grandma used to tell me "I love you to the moon and back".
Showing posts with label Family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Family. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Monday, August 2, 2010
Preparing financially for Charlie's arrival.
Let's face it, money matters at least for most people it does. The economy is tough and it wasn't that long ago that Micha and I were college students surviving on shoe-string budgets. Naturally, when we found out we were expecting, our finances were a concern. Here's what we did (and are doing) to prepare.
One of the very first things I did, before we went to the doctor or told anyone, was look into Short-Term Disability Insurance. Unfortunately, neither the state I live in nor my employer provides STD Insurance however; I could purchase a policy on my own for relatively cheap. Since I was already pregnant though, the policy would only pay out in the even of complications. Since I'm healthy and this is a very low risk pregnancy, I decided against the STD Insurance. I would recommend if you are trying to conceive this year, purchase a policy now before you get pregnant.
Something we do periodically is look at our budget. I look back at the last month or two and see exactly where our money is going and how close we are to meeting the goals we set for ourselves. When looking at our budget now, I actually look at two: our Before Baby (BB) Budget and our After Baby Budget (AB). The AB budget is broken into 2 different 'sub-budgets': one for the period of time that Micha and I are on leave and the other for when everyone is back at work. The AB budget reflects stuff like an increased grocery budget, what my take home pay will be with the additional insurance and child care. This is also how we decided whether or not I should return to work after the baby. Daycare is expensive so for some families it makes more sense for one parent to stay home.
In looking at the budget, we tried to find ways we could cut expenses now, especially for those weeks that we only have one income. We used our tax refund to pay off credit cards and other small debts. We also started paying a little extra on our car payment every month so that in October we will be a full three months of payments ahead. We also continue to try and find ways to make our home as energy efficient as possible and ended up purchasing a front loading washer and drier. It seems counter intuitive to spend money to save money however; we've nearly cut our water bill in half despite needing to water our vegetable garden on a daily basis (yes, I'm waging a full scale nag-a-thon until I get at least one damn rain barrel). For more easy energy efficiency tips: http://www.cleanairgardening.com/saveenergy.html.
Another way we save money is at the grocery store. We try to go on a weekly basis and set a weekly budget. A couple months into the pregnancy, we increased the weekly budget to accommodate stocking up on non-perishables, cleaning supplies and toiletries. We take the weekly ads with us (our grocer price matches) and I clip coupons. We are planning to try cloth diapering at least part-time (Micha isn't completely sold on the idea and we know most daycare providers won't go for it) so we have already started stocking up on diapers and wipes.
Our budget also included a certain degree of what I like to call 'fat', the biggest chunk of which being our cable bill. I hate our cable. It's terrible. After looking more closely, it turns out that the we were paying for service that the provider essentially could not provide, at least not with any kind of consistency, even though they were consistently charging us for it month after month. We got rid of the cable portion and reduced the Internet speed (since it wasn't faster, just more expensive). We got a subscription to Netflix and we haven't missed cable even for a minute. I mean really, who wants to watch a bunch of shows about the biggest dumbasses New Jersey could produce?!
Two words: Garage Sale. After moving into our new home, I found we had a great deal of 'stuff' that we no longer needed/wanted/used. We cleaned out our closets and participated in the city wide garage sale. The larger ticket items that didn't sell we put on Craigslist. We sorted through Mumbles' clothes and will consign the stuff that is still in good shape and donated the rest. We also picked up some great buys. Micha found an infant seat and two bases as well as a jogger stroller for $30! We found a crib and mattress for $50 on Craigslist and picked up a bouncy seat for $16 at one of my favorite consignment shops Children's Orchard. The important thing to remember when buying used baby gear is to check whether or not the item may have been recalled by the Consumer Product Safety Commission. You'll also want to be certain that car seats have never been involved in an accident. It is also important to note that it is illegal to resell any product that has been recalled, so be sure you check before putting your old baby gear up for sale.
There were three phone calls that were super important for us to make, the first was with our respective HR departments and supervisors. In the US, maternity/paternity leave falls under the Family Medical Leave Act, which grants most employees up to 12 weeks of unpaid leave. Some companies, such as the one I work for, are exempt from this because there are fewer than 50 employees. It is important to know what your company's policies are for paid and unpaid leave and other benefits such as insurance premiums while you're on unpaid leave, changes to Health Savings Plans and the availability of short-term disability insurance. Also, life insurance is an important consideration. If your employer does not provide any or enough, buying a term policy is really inexpensive. I recommend a plan that would at least pay out enough to pay off your mortgage and any other large debts (student loans, etc.) plus provide a little extra.
Since both Micha and I have health insurance through our employers, we were able to compare premiums and coverage and decided that the baby should go on my policy once he's born. That doesn't mean we'll stick with it. Once Charlie has made his debut, I plan to get quotes elsewhere. There are a few companies, like Blue Cross that are very competitive even with employee plans.
The next call I made was to my insurance company. The last thing I want to do is walk out of the hospital with a brand new baby and a huge debt. Do a little homework about what types of questions to ask about insurance coverage during pregnancy. Watch out for the small things like labs. My provider has in network and out of network lab providers. If your OB doesn't use an in network lab, it could cost you hundreds. Also, find out what, if any, alternatives to traditional care are covered. Some insurance companies will cover Mid-wife attended births and chiropractic care while others will not.
The last call I made was to the hospital. I spoke with the billing department and asked for a rough estimate on what I'd be billed (my OB's office was very upfront and we were able to make financial arrangements early on). I wanted to try an make a few payments ahead of time but was not able however; she did give me a number and an idea about making financial arrangements after the baby is born.
I think one of the most important parts of planning for Charlie's arrival was just deciding what was really important to us. Buying a new washer and drier: important. Buying all new baby gear vs. second-hand and hand-me-downs: not. Taking a babymoon: time sensitive. Remodeling the master bath: can wait.
One of the very first things I did, before we went to the doctor or told anyone, was look into Short-Term Disability Insurance. Unfortunately, neither the state I live in nor my employer provides STD Insurance however; I could purchase a policy on my own for relatively cheap. Since I was already pregnant though, the policy would only pay out in the even of complications. Since I'm healthy and this is a very low risk pregnancy, I decided against the STD Insurance. I would recommend if you are trying to conceive this year, purchase a policy now before you get pregnant.
Something we do periodically is look at our budget. I look back at the last month or two and see exactly where our money is going and how close we are to meeting the goals we set for ourselves. When looking at our budget now, I actually look at two: our Before Baby (BB) Budget and our After Baby Budget (AB). The AB budget is broken into 2 different 'sub-budgets': one for the period of time that Micha and I are on leave and the other for when everyone is back at work. The AB budget reflects stuff like an increased grocery budget, what my take home pay will be with the additional insurance and child care. This is also how we decided whether or not I should return to work after the baby. Daycare is expensive so for some families it makes more sense for one parent to stay home.
In looking at the budget, we tried to find ways we could cut expenses now, especially for those weeks that we only have one income. We used our tax refund to pay off credit cards and other small debts. We also started paying a little extra on our car payment every month so that in October we will be a full three months of payments ahead. We also continue to try and find ways to make our home as energy efficient as possible and ended up purchasing a front loading washer and drier. It seems counter intuitive to spend money to save money however; we've nearly cut our water bill in half despite needing to water our vegetable garden on a daily basis (yes, I'm waging a full scale nag-a-thon until I get at least one damn rain barrel). For more easy energy efficiency tips: http://www.cleanairgardening.com/saveenergy.html.
Another way we save money is at the grocery store. We try to go on a weekly basis and set a weekly budget. A couple months into the pregnancy, we increased the weekly budget to accommodate stocking up on non-perishables, cleaning supplies and toiletries. We take the weekly ads with us (our grocer price matches) and I clip coupons. We are planning to try cloth diapering at least part-time (Micha isn't completely sold on the idea and we know most daycare providers won't go for it) so we have already started stocking up on diapers and wipes.
Our budget also included a certain degree of what I like to call 'fat', the biggest chunk of which being our cable bill. I hate our cable. It's terrible. After looking more closely, it turns out that the we were paying for service that the provider essentially could not provide, at least not with any kind of consistency, even though they were consistently charging us for it month after month. We got rid of the cable portion and reduced the Internet speed (since it wasn't faster, just more expensive). We got a subscription to Netflix and we haven't missed cable even for a minute. I mean really, who wants to watch a bunch of shows about the biggest dumbasses New Jersey could produce?!
Two words: Garage Sale. After moving into our new home, I found we had a great deal of 'stuff' that we no longer needed/wanted/used. We cleaned out our closets and participated in the city wide garage sale. The larger ticket items that didn't sell we put on Craigslist. We sorted through Mumbles' clothes and will consign the stuff that is still in good shape and donated the rest. We also picked up some great buys. Micha found an infant seat and two bases as well as a jogger stroller for $30! We found a crib and mattress for $50 on Craigslist and picked up a bouncy seat for $16 at one of my favorite consignment shops Children's Orchard. The important thing to remember when buying used baby gear is to check whether or not the item may have been recalled by the Consumer Product Safety Commission. You'll also want to be certain that car seats have never been involved in an accident. It is also important to note that it is illegal to resell any product that has been recalled, so be sure you check before putting your old baby gear up for sale.
There were three phone calls that were super important for us to make, the first was with our respective HR departments and supervisors. In the US, maternity/paternity leave falls under the Family Medical Leave Act, which grants most employees up to 12 weeks of unpaid leave. Some companies, such as the one I work for, are exempt from this because there are fewer than 50 employees. It is important to know what your company's policies are for paid and unpaid leave and other benefits such as insurance premiums while you're on unpaid leave, changes to Health Savings Plans and the availability of short-term disability insurance. Also, life insurance is an important consideration. If your employer does not provide any or enough, buying a term policy is really inexpensive. I recommend a plan that would at least pay out enough to pay off your mortgage and any other large debts (student loans, etc.) plus provide a little extra.
Since both Micha and I have health insurance through our employers, we were able to compare premiums and coverage and decided that the baby should go on my policy once he's born. That doesn't mean we'll stick with it. Once Charlie has made his debut, I plan to get quotes elsewhere. There are a few companies, like Blue Cross that are very competitive even with employee plans.
The next call I made was to my insurance company. The last thing I want to do is walk out of the hospital with a brand new baby and a huge debt. Do a little homework about what types of questions to ask about insurance coverage during pregnancy. Watch out for the small things like labs. My provider has in network and out of network lab providers. If your OB doesn't use an in network lab, it could cost you hundreds. Also, find out what, if any, alternatives to traditional care are covered. Some insurance companies will cover Mid-wife attended births and chiropractic care while others will not.
The last call I made was to the hospital. I spoke with the billing department and asked for a rough estimate on what I'd be billed (my OB's office was very upfront and we were able to make financial arrangements early on). I wanted to try an make a few payments ahead of time but was not able however; she did give me a number and an idea about making financial arrangements after the baby is born.
I think one of the most important parts of planning for Charlie's arrival was just deciding what was really important to us. Buying a new washer and drier: important. Buying all new baby gear vs. second-hand and hand-me-downs: not. Taking a babymoon: time sensitive. Remodeling the master bath: can wait.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Happy Mother's Day!!!
A while back a friend shared with me that her MIL thought I was 'too feisty'. My Grandpa calls it 'moxy' and Micha calls me Sparkie, none of which offends me. I come by it naturally. The number of women in my family out weights the number of men and each one of them are strong, opinionated and 'fierce'. From my Grandma, who raised her four children and managed the house on her own while her husband was serving his country in Vietnam to my mother who has more poise than anyone I know, each one has made me Sparkie.
Then there is my Mom. What can I say about her? She gave birth to four children, naturally, with two of us being breach and the other two were blue. She basically raised me on her own, she never bitched, expected anyone to feel sorry for her or give her a hand out. She worked hard and always kept her chin up. She's been through two divorces, gracefully and started her life over on her own terms. There are times I'm sure she struggles yet she manages to pull through with poise. I was a particularly rebellious teenager and while she never let me walk all over her, I never doubted that she loved me. She is the one person who has remained constant in my life regardless of the changes going on in either of our lives. I'll never be able to tell her enough how much I love and respect her.
Feisty? Yeah, probably but I feel pretty good about that.
When my Grandpa died suddenly of a massive heart attack, I marveled at Grandma's ability to keep it together. She's gone on to lead an active life, made full by our close family, her friends and, of course, her faith. In February, she celebrated her 75th birthday and last month she went to Hawaii. I can't count the number of times she has come to my aid. When Mumbles and I had to start over, nearly from scratch, she was the one who helped me pull it all together and her home was our refuge.
Then there's my Aunt, who in her 30's, was diagnosed with breast cancer. After kicking cancer's ass, she went on to run a 5K with her youngest son to help support other women in their fight. She's stilling kicking ass, but instead of sneakers she has a motorcycle. I've always admired her unwavering support for her two boys, her sense of humor and ability to make family get togethers an occassion to laugh until we cry or pee ourselves. She's supported me in times when I really needed it and I don't know that I can ever show her the gratitude that she deserves for it.
Feisty? Yeah, probably but I feel pretty good about that.
Four generations of sassy, classy dames!
Happy Mother's Day!
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Why my daughter really is my Angel.
When I was 18, I was an idiot. 'Didn't know shit from shinola', as my Dad puts it. At one point, I was at risk of not graduating high school. I would've probably been voted 'Most likely to grow up to be a loser.' I was strung out on whatever drugs I could get my hands on without the least bit of direction or purpose to my life. I managed to just barely start getting my life on track when I found out I was 4 1/2 months pregnant. Everyone simultaniously wondered the same thing: How could I possibly raise a child when I barely had my own life under control? I made a decision and a promise. I was comfortable fucking up my own life but I couldn't be responsible for fucking up someone else's. I focused on her and how to raise her and nothing else for the remaining 4 1/2 months. She litterally brought me out of a depression that was so deep, I didn't know I was in it. August 25th, the love of my life arrived. I went to school full-time and worked two part-time jobs. My Grandpa said I had moxy. Maybe. I knew the only way to provide a good life for Mumbles was to get a college degree. I had no idea what I wanted to be when I grew up so I tried my hand at everything. They say the average college student changes majors seven times. I had seven majors and five different colleges, my favorite being my alama mater, Pittsburg State University in Pittsburg, Kansas. How did I wind up in Kansas from Montana? That is how my daughter saved my life the second time.
I grew up in Kansas but in order to pull my head out of my ass, we (my family and I) thought it might be a good idea to live with my Dad in Montana for a little while. Mumbles and I lived there for about 3 years when my Grandfather, the corner stone of my Mother's family, passed away. I missed my family more than anything and after a failed relationship, I decided it was time to return home. I was still going to school, so I enrolled at community college for a semester while I tried to figure out my next move. While I was there I met, the 'Cowboy'. I haven't the faintest idea what originally attracted me to him. Whatever it was, has long since faded. The three of us moved in together and thus began the worst 2 1/2 years of our lives.
My Dad says that some cowboys wear white hats and some cowboys wear black hats. My cowboy, as it turned out, wore a black hat. Drinking problem would be an understatement. I remember one night having to call one of the Cowboys friend's to come and get him. When the friend arrived the Cowboy was in the front yard, completely naked except for his boots. Another night we arrived at his mother's and I was covered in blood and had peed my pants, he'd gotten mad at me because I'd been driving, hit a bump and he spilled beer on himself. A bruise on my shin from where he bit me and another the size of grape fruit on my hip because I refused to have sex with him. Most people who know me can't believe that I would ever stay 2 minutes, let alone 2 years with a person who did this to me. I was a different person then. I rationalized the abuse in my own mind because if I fought back it wasn't really abuse, right?
Toward the end of the two years I'd had enough and he knew it. I had a plan to get out. The abuse escaladed. One night, he came home from the bar and was so drunk I couldn't understand him. He was saying words but they formed neither sentences nor complete thoughts. He got angry with me and pinned me down on the sofa with his knee in my chest. He must have changed his mind about what he was about to do because the next thing I knew, he was in the kitchen yelling that I hadn't cooked dinner. I left Mumbles who was 5, asleep in her bed, and walked two blocks to the gas station to call the police. I waited on the porch for a couple minutes for them to arrive. When I took them upstairs, the Cowboy was in Mumbles room and she had been crying. Then I saw why. She had marks from her ears down her neck and to the tops of her arms. He'd grabbed her by her hair, drug her down the stairs and back up again. He'd held her neck and banged her head against the door. And then he'd put her back in bed, covered her up and told her not to cry. He was arrested and taken to jail.
Mumbles and I moved to Pittsburg and I made another promise. I was a fool to think that the Cowboy wouldn't hurt her but I wouldn't make that mistake again. Mumbles is almost 12 now. I still carry a great deal of guilt that she suffered even a second because of my poor choices. I was also a fool to think that I couldn't call on my family for support. They each one helped us out, in different ways and I am grateful to them, but it was Mumbles who rescued me. Twice. She's truely my Angel.
More of Week 13
This has been such a roller coast ride of a week. Sunday with my family was absolutely perfect. Monday with Micha's family was great, but then Tuesday rolled around and the shit hath hiteth the fan-eth.
Monday, I told my boss that I was expecting. Tuesday he shares with me that he's concerned about the company and doesn't know how much longer we can hold out like this. What?!? Are you fucking serious? For months now, he's been saying that this is the nature of the business. At times we sit around on our hands and then, boom, business picks up and we are all so busy we don't know whether to scratch our watches or wind our asses. Could this guy have possibly picked a worse time to tell me, I am aboard a sinking ship?! Seriously.
Wednesday, despite concerns about how much longer I will be employed, was great. I felt good. I found pants that didn't look ridiculous or hideous. (Why are all maternity clothes covered in huge stupid floral patterns or black?) And then I went home. The kitchen was an absolute mess. Dirty dishes were filling the sink and spilling onto the counter, the dishwasher was full but hadn't been ran. And ants. Don't get me wrong, bugs are fine, some are even interesting- when they are outside. They do not belong in my kitchen crawling on my dishes. I literally went from zero to bitch in seconds. The bright spot was that Wednesday is yoga night. Yoga is how I maintain my sanity. Unfortunately, I was off, really off and I knew why.
When I say we told my family on Easter Sunday, that is only a half truth. My parents divorced when I was 5 so telling my family anything is a two-part ordeal. I knew that my Mom would be thrilled and excited, she loves being a Grandma. Dad is a different story alltogether. Dad and I don't have a typical 'Father/Daughter' relationship. Don't get me wrong, I love him. He's my Dad. We had some really great summers together when I was a kid. Then when I was 12 he just dropped of the face of the planet. He stopped calling or writing. We didn't visit him during the summer. Nothing. To this day, I have no idea why. Seven years went by without any contact between us. But at 18, he came through for me when I really needed someone to. I moved in with him and stayed until after Mumbles was born and I got my own apartment. I chose to forgive him and not to judge him. He'd been battling his demons for a number of years. I hadn't seen it when I was younger but as an adult it became glaringly obvious.
That was 10 years ago and my life is vastly different now. I have toppled mountains. I graduated from college, the first on my Mom's side to do so. I'm raising my daughter and I don't think I've screwed her up too bad. I work, I have a wonderful partner and we've purchased a home together. Through all of this, I don't remember my Dad being happy for me. I can only remember one time when he even had anything positive to say about everything I've been able to accomplish. I don't feel like he's disappointed with me, except for in my choice of living arrangements, but I also don't think he can just be happy for me. I am happy and feel that I have a wonderful life. Isn't that what parents are supposed to want for their children? Maybe I didn't emphasis how excited Micha and I are about having a baby? No, he just launched into a diatribe about good parenting and how he can't speak from a place of authority even though when he signed the liscense he meant it. Then he went on about his childhood buddy's dog. No 'Congratulations!'. Didn't ask when the baby was due. Nothing. Sadly, I knew the conversation would go this way. You can't expect a duck to bark like a dog. Yet, I was still in tears. Why the fuck do I even talk to him? Because if I don't I feel guilty. Because when he dies, I don't want to regret that I didn't. Because I know he is lonely and miserable and I feel sorry for him. I feel better being a bright spot in his day, even though he can be such a dark spot in mine. I'm tougher than him. I can survive him making me feel shitty for a few minutes once a month because I know I have so much more to look forward to. And because despite everything, I love him. I love him for the person I know he was meant to be, but just couldn't.
Micha held me while I had a good cry about it, I ate a bunch of candy and passed out. While I was asleep, Micha cleaned the house...the whole house. Floors, windows (jealous yet?) everything and even made bread. See? So much more to look forward to!
Monday, I told my boss that I was expecting. Tuesday he shares with me that he's concerned about the company and doesn't know how much longer we can hold out like this. What?!? Are you fucking serious? For months now, he's been saying that this is the nature of the business. At times we sit around on our hands and then, boom, business picks up and we are all so busy we don't know whether to scratch our watches or wind our asses. Could this guy have possibly picked a worse time to tell me, I am aboard a sinking ship?! Seriously.
Wednesday, despite concerns about how much longer I will be employed, was great. I felt good. I found pants that didn't look ridiculous or hideous. (Why are all maternity clothes covered in huge stupid floral patterns or black?) And then I went home. The kitchen was an absolute mess. Dirty dishes were filling the sink and spilling onto the counter, the dishwasher was full but hadn't been ran. And ants. Don't get me wrong, bugs are fine, some are even interesting- when they are outside. They do not belong in my kitchen crawling on my dishes. I literally went from zero to bitch in seconds. The bright spot was that Wednesday is yoga night. Yoga is how I maintain my sanity. Unfortunately, I was off, really off and I knew why.
When I say we told my family on Easter Sunday, that is only a half truth. My parents divorced when I was 5 so telling my family anything is a two-part ordeal. I knew that my Mom would be thrilled and excited, she loves being a Grandma. Dad is a different story alltogether. Dad and I don't have a typical 'Father/Daughter' relationship. Don't get me wrong, I love him. He's my Dad. We had some really great summers together when I was a kid. Then when I was 12 he just dropped of the face of the planet. He stopped calling or writing. We didn't visit him during the summer. Nothing. To this day, I have no idea why. Seven years went by without any contact between us. But at 18, he came through for me when I really needed someone to. I moved in with him and stayed until after Mumbles was born and I got my own apartment. I chose to forgive him and not to judge him. He'd been battling his demons for a number of years. I hadn't seen it when I was younger but as an adult it became glaringly obvious.
That was 10 years ago and my life is vastly different now. I have toppled mountains. I graduated from college, the first on my Mom's side to do so. I'm raising my daughter and I don't think I've screwed her up too bad. I work, I have a wonderful partner and we've purchased a home together. Through all of this, I don't remember my Dad being happy for me. I can only remember one time when he even had anything positive to say about everything I've been able to accomplish. I don't feel like he's disappointed with me, except for in my choice of living arrangements, but I also don't think he can just be happy for me. I am happy and feel that I have a wonderful life. Isn't that what parents are supposed to want for their children? Maybe I didn't emphasis how excited Micha and I are about having a baby? No, he just launched into a diatribe about good parenting and how he can't speak from a place of authority even though when he signed the liscense he meant it. Then he went on about his childhood buddy's dog. No 'Congratulations!'. Didn't ask when the baby was due. Nothing. Sadly, I knew the conversation would go this way. You can't expect a duck to bark like a dog. Yet, I was still in tears. Why the fuck do I even talk to him? Because if I don't I feel guilty. Because when he dies, I don't want to regret that I didn't. Because I know he is lonely and miserable and I feel sorry for him. I feel better being a bright spot in his day, even though he can be such a dark spot in mine. I'm tougher than him. I can survive him making me feel shitty for a few minutes once a month because I know I have so much more to look forward to. And because despite everything, I love him. I love him for the person I know he was meant to be, but just couldn't.
Micha held me while I had a good cry about it, I ate a bunch of candy and passed out. While I was asleep, Micha cleaned the house...the whole house. Floors, windows (jealous yet?) everything and even made bread. See? So much more to look forward to!
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